A lot of changes. And for me (Tracy), I had been feeling like each day was filled with plenty unknown and unfamiliar things/events... but very little joy.
In retrospect, I can see that this time has been part of greater santification in my personal experience of discipleship. And maybe stronger people can have better attitidudes, or greater joy in the midst of hard times, but I'm still in the process of learning how to do that, with little experience. At this point in life.... when the pressure is on, and things start getting hard..... I tend to squirm, squeal, and writhe, cry and freak-out....etc.
I needed to change Judah's diaper the other day and he REALLY didn't want me to. As soon as I picked him up and told him I was going to change him........ oh man... he was pissed!!! He was arching his back and screaming and flailing his arms! And when I finally put him down on the bed to change him.... he started kicking. He was kicking me like a RABBIT! And screaming.... and crying.... He really didn't want it.
The diaper change was interrupting his fun. It was inconvenient for him. He didn't know it was necessary.
It was during this experience that I saw a parallel between Judah's behavior, and my own.
Seems like without meaning.... when I got here and experienced a more difficult sort of life....... I started thinking, "I don't know if you are thinking about me, Lord. Don't know if there is peace for me here. I don' t know if I'll have a future here, or have hope. I don't know if you will hear me when I call you. I don't know if I'll find you, when I seek you."
The main theme, however, that I've been able to decipher out of all this is that He wants to EXPOSE the various things that I count on... to make me happy. Things I didn't even know about. Without meaning, seems like I.... and maybe you..... go about our day..... collecting things (little gems) to put into our little pouches that we carry with us... hoping to fulfill our insatiable longing and bring us joy and happiness each day, by their presence. For me, I didn't know I had such a pouch.....or collected such gems.... until the gems I depended on....................... were pretty much non-existant here.
Bright Colors. Sun. Warmth. Fun. Extra Money. Ease of Transportation. Friends. Babysitters. Family. Connections with Moms. Delicious Food. Nice stuff. Predictability. Established Ministry. Etc...
Seems like now......... what he is proposing......is that maybe, just maybe..... I could just stop STRIVING and GRASPING at these things..... or ANYTHING to make me happy or joyous. And that somehow......... I could take enough time out from my distress to just sit and WAIT. But wait for WHAT? Seems like he wants me to wait for HIM to bring me joy in someother way. Seek first the kingdom??? But whats the kingdom? Seems like its in the end...... but also NOW somehow.
As for now...... I feel joy.
Not a sleeping peacefully in the place I belong-joy. But a waiting with my bags packed sort of joy. Sitting. Waiting. Hopeful.
I guess in the deepest part. I really DO know that he thinks about me and has plans for me. He has peace and hope for me. And I really DO know he'll hear when I call out.
So now, I'll just wait. And I'll enjoy the happy moments. And I'll make myself more childlike.... because being so serious wasn't really working for me anyway.
Maybe I can just be grateful for things I didn't notice before. Maybe I can have joy too. But different joy. Better joy.
-Tracy
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