As I watched a short video clip of Solas' visit to his old Thai school yesterday, I felt two things. I watched him "interact" with his old classmates. Still unable to communicate well with them.
Standing by himself a couple of feet away, while they all looked on and giggled.
He had brought a little beanie baby eagle and was nervously using it to put on a show for them.
Its like... he couldn't say anything, and he didn't know how to be friends, so he was just making this little doll bounce and fly and pretending that he was a magician of sorts, while hey all laughed and whispered and pointed.
I felt remorse that this little show was the only way he could relate and connect with them. And I felt relieved that he doesn't still have to perform everyday like that with them.
Cecil and I were talking about it later. Laughing about how silly it was. And then Cecil made an insightful point. "That'll be us, you know. When we return to Bakersfield." He said, as he started pretending he was playing with the doll.
Childish disappearing acts. Tossing it through the air, saying, "look guys, its flying".
Finally being with you all, after all that has passed, and yet, not knowing what to say.
Standing there, a few feet away from you. While you talk amongst yourselves about what you'll have for lunch, or what movie you'll see later with your friends.
Today, like many times before, I read the posts about what dress you're wearing to the dance, and where you ate dinner, and what campout you're going on, or what vacation you did last week, or even what the speaker was talking about in your women's group, or your various activities...
And I visualized myself standing in front of you with my little eagle doll. Not throwing it around. Not making it bounce. Just standing there. And wondering how it will be. And what we'll have to talk about. And how I'll be able to transition from this to that.
~Tracy
